51 Tints of Granite
by Bristol Fashion
Summary: MAJOR SATIRE! This is a parody of the first book so a sense of humor and/or dislike of the book is needed to enjoy this story!
1. Part One

51 TINTS OF GRANITE

CHAPTER ONE

Email From: Christian Grey

Subject: Food Inbox: Zero

Date and Time: April 28, 2012;1:30 P.M.

Miss Steele,

The food tracking device I inserted in your stomach just beeped, which indicates to me that you have not eaten today. This displeases me...greatly. I am palm-twitchingly angry.

Christian Grey, CEO of Grey Holdings, Inc.

_Oh, shit. _The food tracking device! I had completely forgotten about that! God, he is so bossy. Demanding, creepy stalker, bossy McBoss pants. God, he is _so hot._ Just picturing his smokey gray eyes turning angry makes my stomach clench in that delicious way. What is that feeling? I am not even remotely in touch with my body or sexual feelings in any way, so I literally don't know what that feeling is, so I'm asking you. What is it called? I make a reminder to google that later, but for now I need to address his email. If I take more than 3 minutes to respond he shows up at my doorstep, the stalker...the sexy stalker. _Oh!_ There is that feeling again. I jump off my bed quickly to change my panties, because now they are soaking wet for some reason. Is that related to the stomach clench? I have no idea, truly.

After I change my panties and calm the pounding _down there_ I stare at the Mean Machine and try to formulate a response, but it takes me awhile because I have never owned a computer before, even though it's the 21st century and I just graduated from college, but geez I'M NOT A WHORE OK?

Email From: Anastasia Steele (no really, this is my name. It's not my porn name)

Subject: Stalker much?

Date and Time: April 28, 2012; 1:33 P.M.

Dear Sir,

No, I have not eaten yet today and I do sincerely apologize. I must be distracted by something...or someone. I have just ordered a pizza which will be arriving shortly. Hopefully this will satisfy the food tracker...and a certain complicated CEO.

Hungrily,

Ana

_Ha!_ my inner goddess shouts while dancing the lambada (the forbidden dance) in a scantily-clad outfit best suited to a hooker. _That'll show him! _

Email From: Christian Grey

Subject: Pizza was on the list of forbidden foods...but I will let it go...this time

Date and Time: April 28, 2012; 1:33:21 P.M.

Miss Steele,

Oh, Miss Steele. You have me completely beguiled, bewitched, baited, bedeviled and bewildered.

Tonight. Dinner at my parents' house. Taylor and I will pick you up at 7 P.M. on the dot. We will drive to their house, eat food, make polite conversation, then I will throw you over my broad shoulders and fuck you until you cannot walk...literally. I plan on paralyzing you with sex.

Wear the bra and panties I bought you. Wear them inside out. And backwards.

Until tonight,

Christian Grey

"_Fuck you until you cannot walk."_ What does he mean by _that_? Does he mean that his ample length will be inserted inside me and that he will thrust so roughly and with such vigor that my newly fucked vagina will be sore and that it will physically be painful for me to walk? Is that what he means? He is so cryptic! And so sexy!

I close the Mean Machine as the doorbell rings, indicating that the pizza delivery guy is here, and I eat heartily for the first time in weeks. It's just so hard to eat around him because he is so good-looking. Have you ever tried to eat around a man as handsome as Christian Grey? I sincerely doubt it because there is no man as handsome as Christian Grey. He is literally the most handsome man that has ever walked the face of the Earth. Just trust me on this. I will probably remind you again in a few sentences, but seriously. He is smoking hot. Ugh, there is that pulsating feeling in my sex again. What the fuck IS THAT?

As I am finishing up the pizza, Kate comes home from her run in the park. Leave it to Kate to make neon pink booty shorts and a sports bra look effortlessly sexy and chic. "Hey, Ana! What you been up to?" GEEZ, KATE! She is SO meddlesome! It's like 'enough with the Abu Ghraib waterboarding techniques already!'

"Not much...I just ate some pizza. There is a slice or two left if you're hungry" I manage to stammer out, thrown off by her incessant interrogation.

"Ohhh, thanks! Running always makes me famished!" she replied as she helped herself to a slice of pepperoni. "So, any plans tonight? Are you hanging out with Christian?"

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD SHE IS UNSTOPPABLE! She must have been trained by the special forces in effective torture techniques in another life or something.

"He invited me to dinner at his parents' house" I respond as casually as possible, hoping she will drop the inquisition act finally. I pray for relief with a change of subject. "How about you? What are you doing tonight?"

She smiles broadly and launches into her evening plans with Elliot, effectively throwing her off my trail. She really is relentless and I enjoy being out of the hot glare of the interrogation room spotlight for once. I am shy and quiet and not used to attention in any way shape or form. Is that why Christian thought I would make a perfect Sub?

I have so much to think about as I leave Kate to get ready for my dinner...and fuck session...with Christian. Oh, Christian. Sexy, creepy, fucked-up Christian. I start to daydream of his steely gray eyes, long fingers and lithe toned torso as the steam fills the bathroom and before I know it I am shaking with release as I ride out my orgasm right there in the shower. Did I really come just by thinking of how gorgeous he is? My inner goddess is exhausted as she melts into a puddle. What will he have in store for me tonight? Will he fuck me with a baseball bat? Is that a thing he is into? Is he going to truss me up like a Thanksgiving turkey and stuff me full of his cock? I am horrified at the notion...and yet...and yet...so turned on.

CHAPTER TWO

My insides immediately turn to mush as I answer the door and see Christian standing before me. He looks immaculate in his crisp white button down shirt, perfectly fit black wool pants, and _oh my god...that tie_. He is wearing _that_ Ralph Lauren Purple Label tie again. The same one he used to tie me up for the first time, and the second time, and that other time that he also tied me up because he basically ties me up every time we have sex but anyway you know what I mean, which is that he wears this tie a lot and also uses it for bondage sex games and I'm not even sure why I am surprised to see it again but alas my nipples immediately form stiff peaks at the sight of it.

"Anastasia you look stunning this evening" Christian coos into my ear as I smell his heady scent of Blvgari Aqva Pour Homme cologne, Lexol leather cleaner, and K-Y jelly. I am drunk off this whiff of him within seconds, and I barely gasp out a feeble "hi" as I take his proffered hand and climb into the waiting vehicle.

"Are you hungry?" Christian asks as his Pantone 428 eyes smoulder into my soul.

"Well, not that hungry as I basically ate an entire pizza this af..."

"Ana, we've been over this. You MUST eat. I COMMAND it." He snatches his hand back from mine and rubs his temples.

_Geez. Is he really mad about this? He is always telling me to eat and making a big deal about food and three square meals per day and he inserted that food tracker inside me and if I am not hungry he gets immediately angry but is he really that mad about it again? He is so confusing! _

"I'm sorry, Sir. I was going to say that even though I ate pizza this afternoon, I really am starving now and will definitely clean my plate at your parents' house, and then I will indulge in dessert afterwards too."

Christian's slate colored eyes dance and glow and the smirk returns to his lips. "For dessert, perhaps we can have vanilla ice cream...vanilla is quickly becoming one of my favorite flavors, if you know what I mean."

I do not know what he means. I think perhaps he is making some kind of reference to sex, but really, he is so obtuse it's hard to tell.

Before I know it we arrive at his parents' home and I walk clumsily up the front steps, tottering on my heels (borrowed from Kate, of course, I only own Keds), meanwhile Christian gracefully glides towards the house he grew up in, looking like a sexy gazelle leaping over the Serengeti.

"Mom, I'd like you to meet Anastasia Steele" Christian says as he gently pushes me towards his mother.

"Anastasia, what a pleasure it is to meet you! Even though Christian is the handsomest man to ever exist, he has never brought a woman home to meet us! Why, we just assumed he was gay, especially since he always wears linen shirts. You know how the gays love linen shirts!"

"Thanks for that, Mom" Christian sneers as he rolls his eyes. Why does he get to roll his eyes but I don't? It's almost as if he is the dominant one in the relationship and I am the submissive one who has to do what he says. Huh. I'll never understand him and his mysterious, sexy ways. He is always speaking in code, saying things like "I am in charge and do not want you rolling your eyes because I am the boss" or "Please just shut up and do as I say" but it's like, what are you really saying, Christian? He should come with an instruction booklet! _An instruction booklet, yeah right _my snarky subconscious interrupts, _more like a BDSM manual, or a contract so to speak, with spelled out instructions as to how this type of relationship works. You really are an idiot, aren't you, Ana? _OH SHUT UP, SUBCONSCIOUS! NOBODY ASKED YOU!

I'm broken out of my reverie by the feel of his large hand grasping mine, with his other hand gently resting on the small of my back. I feel my body tingle at his touch, and all my senses are heightened. My inner goddess is about to perform a striptease at a 1980's Time Square peep show theatre. I have never seen or felt hands like his before. His fingers are long, and I blush scarlet remembering how he inserted those long fingers into my drenched nether regions the night before.

During dinner it takes every bit of strength I possess not to moan and whimper loudly at the sight of Christian eating his food. Oh, to be the morsel on his fork that gets to touch his perfectly shaped lips! To be the cloth napkin that is so luckily draped across his lap! I wish I could drape my body over his lap, and feel his manhood stand to attention from the slightest touch of my body against his. It seems that is all it takes with us. When he walks into a room I feel the electricity surge through my body, kind of like the time I went to the Science Museum when I was 9 and I touched my hand to the giant static ball and my hair stood up straight. It's like that, only, _sexy_.

"So, Anastasia, Christian tells me that you just moved into an apartment in Seattle with your best-friend from college. Did you have any help moving your things in?" Christian's mother, Grace, asks me politely.

"Yes, from my friend Jose" I answer honestly.

The mood in the room changes instantly. Christian stabs his knife violently into his salmon and continues the stabbing motion at least 10 times in a row, turning bright red in the process and making quite a bit of noise too.

_Oh no. Is he mad? Is he going to hit me? _

I feel his silvery eyes lock on mine and his look is so cold and disarming I am terrified and turned on all at once. Suddenly I feel his hand tightly grip my thigh and he whispers to me, "I am going to take you outside right now and make you pay for your mistakes. I told you to stay away from Jose and now I am going to make your ass burn from all the slapping I am going to do to it you naughty, insolent girl."

_Is he going to slap my ass? Is he going to make me pay for my mistakes? Is he mad at me about failing to mention that I spent all of moving day watching Jose's muscled, caramel colored skin glisten in the sunlight as he hoisted box after box up stairs and into my apartment?_ I am so scared and want to run but Christian quickly excuses us from the table and drags me outside into the cool night air.

"Miss Steele I am extremely disappointed in you. I have forgiven your food missteps, and I have even ignored the fact that you haven't signed my contract yet, but now this? Now I have to contend with Jose too? I thought I made it clear that I am the only one who gets to go anywhere near your sweet spots, but apparently I didn't make it clear enough. I am going to fuck you harder than you have ever been fucked before and you are going to come at the exact moment I tell you, do you understand?"

"Yes...Sir" I mumble, afraid to anger him any further.

He throws me to the ground and commands me to sit. He slowly begins unbuttoning his shirt, taking his time because he knows it is driving me absolutely insane. He is so sexy I just want to take my teeth and rip each button off but he insists on torturing me with the slow reveal of his body. When his shirt is finally removed I am able to get a good look at his taut muscles and perfect six-pack abs. His pants are hanging off his hips in such a way that I think I may go blind if I keep looking. He is gorgeous. He is an Adonis that should be sculpted and shaped in marble and placed in a public square so revelers can come from miles around just to admire his perfect male form.

Suddenly he is over me, pressing his firm body into mine, sending sensations of pleasure all over me. He pushes me back onto the grass so that I am lying flat and he roughly grabs my hands and holds them above my head.

"Keep your hands above your head" he says as he secures them firmly with one of those little sandwich ties that hold loaves of bread? Where did he get one of those? Does he just carry those around? He is such an enigma! His eyes are glowing the color of cement and I hear his breathing turn into desperate pants full of passion and rage and control issues and _it is so hot_. I can barely keep my clit from exploding into a thousand pieces but he told me I couldn't come until he said and I do not want to anger him further, although, maybe I do? Do I like this? Is it abusive or erotic? I have no clue! I know next to nothing! About anything!

His full lips shower my collarbone with kisses as he works his way down my body, towards my inside-out, backwards bra. "You did as I said, good girl" he growls as he rips the bra off my body sending the metal clasp flying across the lawn. It makes me feel cheap AND alive. How can I feel both of these emotions at once? Is it possible that sexual intercourse can bring up many different feelings and deep-seeded emotions and desires? Could it be that sex is nothing like it is in Thomas Hardy novels? As a literature major I feel I should know if my favorite authors have been lying to me about sex. I make a mental note to go to the library later and research this using the card catalog, because as I mentioned I don't really know how to use a computer even though it's 2012 and I'm a middle class, college educated woman. I'm kind of an idiot.

"Shut the fuck up, Ana" Christian roars at me, his ashen colored eyes blazing with twisted erotic thoughts.

"I didn't say anything.." I stammer but he shoves his fist into my mouth and says "I can hear you thinking. It's...distracting. Now, suck my fist. Yes, ohhh Ana, yes, suck my first like it's a giant, lumpy lollipop. Yes, like that, baby."

_Whoa. I am so turned on._ What is it about fists? Why are they such boney, large sensual things? I close my eyes to further enhance my sense of taste and I hear Christian grab a foil packet and rip it open.

"Are you bleeding yet? Have you taken your first pill?" he asks, as demanding as ever.

_Geez. Pry much, freak? Fuck. I want him inside me NOW_.

"No, sir...not yet."

"Ugh. I fucking HATE condoms. I want to fuck you raw so that my ample manhood can feel every bit of your sweet, innocent sex" he moans as he plunges into me, fucking me wild with loud, smacking thumps.

"Oh!" I cry out, and there is that clenching in my belly again. Who knows what that is. Thomas Hardy never mentioned it.

"Do not come yet. I will tell you when you can come."

I want to run crying from his parents' lawn but I also want to stay in this position forever. I hate it and I love it. Christian continues his pussy assault and suddenly flips me over with deft arms so that my face is pressed into the grass and my ass is up in the air like George Clooney in that movie. Was that a bad analogy? I don't know, I've never been to the talkies. I only watch silent films because I am an old soul, into old things. Just like Christian, who listens to Thomas Tallis and opera. We are so in synch.

Have I been lying like this for 5 minutes or 5 days? I have no idea. I have lost all sense of time and have submerged myself deep into a pool full of passion, bobbing gently up and down on currents of pleasure, waves of lust crashing into my folds...

_Oh!_ He is now standing in front of me and he commands me to look up. He is dressed in assless leather chaps and holding a cat of nine tails. What? How? When did he change into that? I am so confused.

"Now stop looking at me! I am going to hit you with this cat of nine tails and you will see the error of your ways. You want me to punish you, don't you?"

"Yes. Yes, Sir." I reply meekly, scared and excited all at once.

_SMACK! _The tassels smack into my ass with such force I actually shake all over. It hurts and my brain says I should make use of the safe word, but my vagina says "please, continue." My vagina wins and he keeps hitting me with the soft leather, sending pulsating pain to every nerve ending in my body.

"Now, COUNT. Count for me, Ana!" he is screaming wildly, commanding me.

"Two! Three!" I shout, wanting to writhe in pain but unable to move because he is holding me in place.

"Now, recite the preamble to the U.S. Declaration of Independence!"

"What? Are you..."

"JUST SAY IT OR I SWEAR I WILL SHOVE THIS CAT OF NINE TAILS UP YOUR PRECIOUS, VIRGIN ANUS."

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men..."

"Yes, Ana! Say it!"

"...are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator, with certain..."

"Yes! Fuck, Ana you are so incredible!"

"...unalienable rights, that among these are, life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

"Anastasia! Yes! Now come! COME RIGHT THIS FUCKING SECOND!"

I come right that fucking second. I release the agonizing build up that had been growing inside me and ride the train straight to orgasm town with the swiftness of a bullet leaving a gun. Christian pierces my sex with his penis again and takes two deep thrusts and comes inside me with a flourish. It is amazing how he always lets me come first and then he comes immediately afterwards in perfect succession. It's really incredible how we both always come and it's never that one of us comes too soon or not at all and this is how sex always is. I know so much about carnal ways now that Christian has showed me his world. I understand sex perfectly now.

Christian is standing over me now, back in his black pants and white shirt...wait what? How? He is so amazing. He is fully dressed again and looking immaculate. He is a fascinating miracle.

He holds his manly hand out for me and beckons me to stand up. He pulls me up gracefully and places a single kiss on my forehead. "You did wonderfully, Ana. You are the most incredible woman I have ever met."

_Yes! My inner goddess wraps her legs around the stripper pole and begins dry humping it in triumph! _Little old boring ho hum me has made Christian the Greek God happy? I made him happy? I am over the moon with joy. In fact, I am so happy I actually blackout.

When I come to, I notice that Christian has placed me in an ice bath in his palatial apartment. Ahh, yes, this feels good on my sore ass and stretched pussy. He thinks of everything. I call out his name but hear no response. I slowly get out of the tub, wrap myself in a plush white towel and pad out into the living room, where I hear the most melancholic, yet beautiful music I have ever heard. Christian is playing the piano. He is such a puzzle. He is like a rubix cube gone retarded. I lean against the wall and close my eyes to savor the haunting concerto he so expertly plays with his long, Tim Burton character-esque fingers. I want to stay in this moment forever. I never want to feel anything again other than my aching ass cheeks. I realize, _I love him_. Oh no. _Oh Ana, my subconscious warns._ I need space to think. I need to go home to my apartment and try to work through my feelings...but first I need to sit on his lap and wrap my mouth around his erection. Priorities, you know.

CHAPTER THREE

I glance at my bedside table alarm clock with sleepy eyes and realize I have been asleep for approximately three days. Being a submissive sex goddess really exhausts me. I head into the kitchen and make myself a cup of Twinings English Breakfast Tea, because I was a literature major in college. I cradle the warm cup to my chest and stare out to the Seattle streets below.

It is only a moment before my thoughts turn to Christian. Am I in love with him? Although I am 21 years old I have never liked a guy before ever, and in fact, until I met Christian I wasn't even fully aware that I had a working vagina that could feel sexual things. So to think about being in love? I don't know how to handle this. I would ask Kate but in addition to the NDA, I also don't want to be subjected to her medieval torture interrogation techniques. Maybe I should call my Mother and arrange a visit in Georgia? Perhaps space is what I need to clear my head.

When my Mom's cell phone goes straight to voicemail I opt for sending her an email instead. I turn on the square electronic device that Christian gave me and it makes a beeping noise which I assume means it is now turned on and ready for me to use. I smash a few keys and say "SEND EMAIL ROBOT THING" but nothing happens. While I am shaking it back and forth trying to make it understand my commands, I hear a beep and see I have a new email from Mr. Anal Beads himself.

Email From: Christian Grey

Subject: Fuck Town, Population Us

Date and Time: May 1, 2012; 12:47 P.M.

Dear Miss Steele,

The sleeping device I inserted in your brainstem has indicated to me that you have now slept for over 72 hours and I am pleased by this. Per our (still un-signed) contract, you are required to do nothing but sleep when not in my presence, unless of course you are eating or emailing me, which are the only other allowed activities.

I hope to see you tomorrow for another marathon sex session in my Dungeon of Bondage. What time shall I swoop onto your apartment building rooftop with Charlie Tango to pick you up?

Yours,

Christian Grey

_Holy Shit._ Christian Grey wants to see _me_ again. I allow myself to think for a brief moment that perhaps he is in love with me too? _Oh!_ I arch my back and spasm uncontrollably as I come at the mere thought. That makes 400 orgasms in the last three weeks, which is 19 orgasms per day (I minored in math). I really cannot see him right now, I have too much to think about.

Email From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Fuck Town, Population just you

Date and Time: May 1, 2012; 12:49 P.M.

Dear Sir,

The sleep I experienced in the last three days has been the best sleep I've ever had, and I've had my fair share of sleep. Some might say I'm a slut for sleep (that's how this works, right? That is innuendo?)

I actually decided last minute that I am going to Georgia to visit my Mother tomorrow, and will remain there for one week before I begin interviews for internships, because once you graduate from college you try to find an internship and not an actual job. That is how it works in the real world.

While I am in Georgia I plan on thinking deeply about us because the truth is, _I want more_. I do not just want to be your sex puppet, but instead I'd like to be your sex puppet that you also talk to about things, kind of like Shari and Lambchop.

Try to understand, Christian.

Your Ana

I close the box thingie before my resolve falters. I know if I keep checking for a response from him I will lose all of my nerve and run to him tomorrow. No, I cannot do that. Not when I want so much more than he is willing to give.

The next day I settle into the spacious leather seats in the 1st class cabin and marvel at how Christian somehow managed to know what flight I was on and upgraded me. He is a magician, like David Blaine, except way better looking. After the flight attendants came by with drinks I fell into a deep sleep, only to wake at the sound of the pilot announcing our descent into Savannah.

I spot my mother and her husband, Bob, by the baggage claim and run to their open arms and begin hysterical crying.

"What is it honey? Oh, Ana, what's wrong, did you have a bad flight?" my mother asks with genuine concern in her voice.

"No, I was in 1st class and I slept the entire way and I am dating this guy who is super hot and rich and who fucks me into multiple orgasms per day but MY LIFE IS SUCH A MESS!" I wail into her shoulder as the tears fall by the bucket.

After my Mom and Bob calm me down we head towards the beach so that I can finally have time to think. On the way I quickly glance at the Blackberry Christian has given me, which makes me feel like a complete whore, but I decide I better tell him I arrived safely or he will probably gag and bind me next time he sees me. I get instantly wet at the thought. I type a quick message to Christian to tell him I've landed and that I really think this week apart will be good for us.

Ah, sunbathing in my tankini (because I would not wear a bikini because I am super self-conscious of my body even though Christian tells me I am a sex goddess I am still so innocent and childlike about my body!). I let the warm rays of the sun sear into my flesh and I decide to ask my Mother for advice.

"Mom, since you've been married 7 times I thought maybe you could help me with a guy question I have."

"Sure, honey. What is it you want to know?"

"Well, see, I've been seeing this guy, Christian, and he is so confusing...he tells me in very specific terms exactly what he expects out of our relationship and he even went as far as to write it all out in a contract, but I feel like he is just not being clear enough. If he says he wants me to follow all his rules and obey him, does that mean he wants me to follow all his rules and obey him?"

My Mother is silent for a moment as she mulls this over.

"Um, Ana, it sounds to me like he is being pretty clear...I'm not sure I understand what the problem is? I mean, in general men are always pretty upfront with what they expect and women tend to over-analyze what they say, when really they are pretty straightforward and this Christian especially sounds like a straight-shooter so...I guess what I'm trying to say is, what don't you understand here?"

Ugh. My Mom is NO HELP AT ALL. It's almost as though she thinks Christian is clearly stating what his intentions with me are. He SO isn't! He wants me to be his Submissive and exert complete dominance over me, and he doesn't do "hearts and flowers" and he wants to control me sexually and non-sexually but all of that just translates to a bunch of ?

Later that night my Mom and I go to a fancy hotel in downtown Savannah for drinks. Sex on the Beach for me, because I am schooled in the way of sexual desire now, and Cosmopolitans for my Mom because she thinks this is a Sex and the City movie. After a few drinks I am feeling bold and sassy and I decide to sext Christian.

Message From: Anastasia Steele

Hiya Sexface! I had some sex on the beach today and now I'm having it again at night hahaha see what I did there? JEALOUS? I bet u r bitch! Come and get some of this u control freak sex god oh wait u can't ur in Seattle lol I'm so horny 4 u tho lol and I'm biting my lip u know u want it stay away from me tho FREAK!

Take that, Christian! What are you gonna do now, huh Mr. Demanding? Oh! A text from Christian:

Message From: Christian Grey

Turn around. I am right behind you.

HOLY SHIT.


	2. Part Two

CHAPTER FOUR

"Chris..Christian?" I stammer as I lock eyes with him. As per usual his intense gaze reveals nothing to me and I am instantly full of fear...and wetness. Fuck, this is like the 8th pair of panties I have gone through in the last 24 hours because every thought of Christian makes me as wet as a monsoon season in India.

"Miss Steele" he replies cooly, causally discarding his black jacket and throwing it over his shoulder like every "cool guy" character in an 80's teen movie.

"Um, ah, Mom? This is Christian."

My mother has already begun stripping herself of her clothing, and his readying herself to be taken from behind on top of the table. I'm secretly glad to see that I am not the only woman who feels this way around the gorgeous and incredibly sexy and perfect Christian Grey.

"Why, Anastasia! You told me he was handsome but you did not mention that he is hands down and without a doubt the most beautiful creature to ever exist! I think I just had an orgasm without the help of my vibrator for the first time in 15 years!"

"Mom!" I am so mortified.

"It is an absolute pleasure to meet you, Grace. I've heard so much about you, and I must say, your daughter is the most bewitching woman I have ever met." He kisses the back of my mother's hand and my mom shudders and passes out. I take this as an opportunity to have it out with Christian right then and there.

"So, you just flew out here even though I told you I needed space? What kind of control freak are you? Are you dominant or something?"

"I had other business to attend to and was in the area. Aside from that, I missed the sweet sex between your legs and knew I had to have you immediately. I am a man of means, Anastasia, so when I want something, I get it. I strapped on the world's only working jet pack, patent pending my my company, and flew here and now that I'm here, I think we should go to my suite upstairs."

Before I have a chance to protest Christian is leading me to the elevator bank that will take us to his Presidential Suite on the top floor of the hotel. As soon as we enter the elevator I feel as though all the air has been sucked out of the small space and that my entire body is being eaten alive by fire ants. It feels amazing. What is it about elevators? Why are these metal boxes that beep at each floor so sexy?

I can tell Christian feels it too because he leans down and whispers in my ear, "One day I am going to fuck your brains out in an elevator."

_Whoa. Holy shit._ He wants to fuck me in an elevator? Is that code for something else? I am left yet again turned on and completely confused.

As we enter his hotel room the sexual tension is almost too much to bare. Since I am still feeling a little saucy from my drinks I decide to flirt.

"Oh! Silly me, I guess I just dropped my hand sanitizer on the floor here...maybe I should just bend on over and pick it up." I keep my eyes locked on his and bend over slowly, but halfway down I realize I cannot bend over without bending my knees a lot and sort of grunting. Maybe he was right about that personal trainer? Whatever, I am flipping my hair as I retrieve the hand sanitizer and I stand up straight and squeeze some into my palms.

"Ohhh yes that aloe and alcohol combo feels so good on my hands...killing germs and preventing spread of communicable disease makes me so hot" I purr as I never leave his eyes for a moment.

"Fuck, Anastasia. You are so fucking sexy, do you know that? Do you have any idea? You are so naive and bordering on mentally disabled, but I find that combination so enticing. I want you NOW."

The few days we've spent apart increase the already wanton desire between us and when he presses his lips to mine I kiss him back firmly. Our tongues are dancing an elaborate dance similar to a paso doble, except not like a paso doble because that requires skill and technique and I possess neither of those as I am a sexual idiot.

I feel that familiar (and still totally confusing) clenching in my stomach again and I feel as though my entire body has been set on fire. I can feel myself slipping under the Christian spell but before we go further I must insist on a few things.

"Christian wait" I pant as I pull away from his strong arms. "I want to be with you...I do, but I also want more from you. I want to know things about you. I want to know about your life and your past and I want you to talk to me and not just fuck me." I put my head down to avoid his gaze. I am sure he is going to hate me. I cannot bare to look.

He sighs and retreats to the other side of the room. Minutes pass and he says nothing and I feel the tears start to form behind my eyes. I just want to run out of the room and go home...although I should probably check on my mother who is still passed out downstairs. Shit, I am not good at remembering things, like taking time to eat, or computer usage 101, or what the terms "dominant" and "submissive" mean, and apparently I'm also not good at remembering where I left my mom half naked and drunk in a hotel bar. I am snapped out of my thoughts as Christian walks closer to me and lifts my head up to meet his.

"I know you want more. And I normally say no immediately, but since you have me so beguiled and bewildered and other b-words that I will need to access a thesaurus for, I am willing to try. But you must know I still refuse to be touched during sex, and I will only tell you so much. Now, get on the bed and lie face down."

I do as I'm told. He is willing to try! He is so amazing! He may be a controlling, sexually fucked-up, devoid of personality narcissist, but he is sooooooo dreamy!

I am face down on the bed, my dress has been removed and I am completely naked. I feel him grab my wrists and pull them behind my back like I am being arrested. I come.

"Ohh yes, Ana. So eager."

With one hand he is holding my wrists together and with the other he is pulling my hair back. I imagine I look like a suckling pig about to be tied to a barbecue. I don't know how I feel about this. Do I like being compared to a farm animal? Do I hate it? I have no idea but nevertheless I come again.

"Oh Ana. Sweet, sweet, innocent, idiotic Ana."

Suddenly I feel his penis enter me from behind slowly. He inserts just the tip and then pulls it out again repeating this torture several times. I am nearly crying out for him to enter me fully and I know he has me right where he wants me.

"Say it. I want to hear you beg me for it." Christian snarls into my ear and I have never felt so wet ever, not even as much as that time my tankini bottom fell off on the slide at the water park at Disneyland.

"Please Christian, please, I want you inside me...ALL of you."

He is fucking me hard now, his entire length deep inside me, thrusting wildly and with purpose. With each smack of his balls against my ass I feel my body clenching and pulsing and I feel a release is imminent. Just as I feel as though I am ready to come again, Christian abruptly stops and pulls out of me completely.

What? What is happening? Why is he doing this to me? He knows I am so close and I know he is so hard that he must be close too. Did I do something wrong? I am yet again left in state of utter and total confusion.

"Sorry, Ana. I needed to put on my cock ring."

_Cock ring?_ What? What is a cock ring? It sounds like a ring that goes around a cock, but is that what it really is? I know nothing!

"It will help me stay harder longer...and will increase the pleasure for both of us."

He is inside me again, fucking me with an intensity I have never experienced from him before. Two days go by. Literally two days. I came 76 times. When it's over I roll onto my back and feel like I have been hit with a mack truck. I have never been this tired in my entire life. Christian is lying next to me looking very self-satisfied, and I lean in close to him, hoping he will let me spoon against his perfect body.

He flinches slightly as I press myself into his side, but he does not move away.

"Christian. Tell me about your childhood. Please...we made a deal."

"It was fine. You met my parents and brother...they are nice people and I was raised in a nice home."

"You know that isn't what I mean...tell me something meaningful."

"I really don't want to. Just drop it ok?"

"Tell me about your birth mother."

"I'd rather not, please stop asking."

"Will you tell me about the woman who gave birth to you?"

"Jesus Christ! FINE! My mother was a prostitute tranny addicted to crack. Now, go to sleep."

OH MY GOD. My mind is reeling at this information. A prostitute tranny addicted to crack? Does he mean that his mother sold herself for sexual favors and was a woman who lived her life as a man and that she developed a dependency on the drug crack, which is a highly concentrated freebase form of cocaine? Is that what he means? Oh. What this poor man has gone through! I immediately picture a 4 year old Christian, with a drugged out sex worker mother. He must have had it so rough! I mean, at age 4 we hardly remember anything but I bet he had it so hard! I want to drop to my knees and scream "whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy" but instead I will myself to sleep as Christian commanded. I have so much to think about, but luckily the two day fuckfest has left me spent and I drift off into a restless sleep filled with dreams about a toddler who had an awful first 4 years of his life but probably doesn't remember any of it but still WHY IS THE WORLD SO CRUEL?

CHAPTER FIVE

I open my eyes slowly and realize it is still dark outside. With a quick glance to the alarm clock I see that it's almost 4 AM. I roll over and move my arm across the bed hoping to find Christian's body lying there, but the bed is cold and empty. Just as I am sitting up to figure out where he went I see him walk out of the bathroom, fully dressed, and he quietly turned on the bedside table lamp.

"Good morning, Miss Steele. I trust you slept well."

"Um yes, and I was hoping to still sleep...it's 4 AM Christian. Why are you already up and dressed?"

"Because I am taking you somewhere special. Get up. You have 15 minutes. I have taken the liberty of having my driver fetch your clothes from your Mom's house, which reminds me, your Mother was found in the arms of the hotel sous chef Javier, unhurt but now sporting a tattoo that reads 'SPRING BREAK SAVANNAH 2012.' "

What? Where is he taking me? I have just been fucked for two days straight and given the life-altering news that Christian's birth mother who he doesn't remember was a tranny prostitute crack addict and now he wants me to get up at 4 AM and get ready to go god knows where? Yes? You mean, I got it right? That is what he means? Wow! I figured out his cryptic code! Yes! my inner goddess shouts through her collagen injected lips.

Fifteen minutes later I am wearing my best pair of jeans (Target collection, with a little stretch), a plain navy blue t-shirt (Hanes Her Way) and my sexiest pair of shoes, brown birkenstocks. I throw my hair into a ponytail and decide to really sex-up my wardrobe (as if I could make it any sexier) so I steal one of Christian's white boxer briefs and wear them as my underwear. I look vaguely like Peppermint Patty, therefore I look totally hot. HA! Two can play at this sexy game, Mr. Grey!

As we walk to his waiting car, he reaches out to grab my hand. I feel a surge of emotion course through my body. Could it be that this enchanting, handsome man loves me? He is holding my hand! He is used to holding whips and chains, not hands! He could have any woman he wants, literally ANY woman, because he is the most picture perfect human being alive, and yet here he is with me, holding my hand. I can barely contain the smile spreading across my face.

"You seem to be in good spirits this morning, Anastasia. I hope you will enjoy the next stop as much as you seem to be enjoying this walk to the car. I have never taken anyone else with me where we're about to go, but since I know you want more I want to try to let you into my world."

"This means so much to me, Christian. I cannot wait to see what you have up your sleeve!"

I have never been happier. What was I thinking before when I thought I wanted space? How could I ever want space from this man? He is being so charming and just now he actually tousled his hair! It made him look like a young man, not the old soul full of cool self-possession that he usually portrays. He seems almost giddy with excitement! I wonder where he's taking me. Knowing Christian it will probably be something completely over-the-top and totally incredible. I hope my stomach can handle whatever crazy, thrill-seeking adventure he has planned for me!

Within minutes we reach our destination. My stomach is doing somersaults at the anticipation. The sun is just beginning to rise and the light is just starting to peek through the soft gray clouds above. Suddenly I notice a shape in the distance and it hits me what we're going to be doing.

"A carousel! Oh, Christian! We're going on a carousel!" I squeal with delight as I drop his hand and run over to the ornate old fashioned carousel adorned with horses, sea monsters, unicorns, tigers, lions and giraffes, all sparkling and brightly painted. I hop on a wooden horse that is painted the color of caramel with pink and gold reigns. I am wild with anticipation for the ride to begin.

Christian disappears for a moment and then reappears and effortlessly mounts a giant unicorn painted a pristine white with a purple sparking sash across its body. He looks like those old paintings of war heros riding off into battle, so regal and commanding, except also really, really gay. He flashes me a smile that could melt even the coldest of hearts and suddenly the Wurlitzer organ music begins and we're moving at the breakneck speed of 10 miles per hour.

I lean forward on the horse to feel the rush of the wind hit my face, and I laugh merrily as the carousel takes me around and around, my ponytail flying in the breeze. I have never felt so alive or so free. Christian is smiling and looking as carefree as I've ever seen him, relishing the adrenaline rush, I assume. We ride around and around for what feels like hours, it could have been days, I have no idea. I don't understand time.

When the carousel finally stops and my feet touch the ground again I feel my knees go weak. It felt like coming down from the moon! To go from a carousel horse to the plain old ground again? How will I ever be able to continue living this boring life off of the merry-go-round? Now that Christian has opened up this magical world to me I don't know if I will ever recover.

"So, what did you think of my secret hobby?" Christian asks me with a mischievous glint in his spellbinding gray eyes.

"It was the most amazing feeling I have ever had. I didn't realize I could experience such extreme sports! I always thought I was more of a land-dweller type, not a speed demon! But I see I was wrong!"

In the car Christian buckles my seatbelt for me, and straps me into the child safety seat. As we drive away I am lost in my thoughts, daydreaming that this could be our life together. We could be a real couple that does real couple things like has detailed contracts regarding our sex life and then goes on carousel rides. Just a simple life, you know?

"Anastasia, you're doing it again" Christian chides as he slips his hand onto my knee, giving it a squeeze so hard it almost hurts.

"Doing what?" I ask.

"Biting your lip...you know how much that turns me on."

I blush. I don't even realize I am doing things like that. He has shown me so many things about myself. He is so incredible.

Before I know it we are pulling into a McDonald's. WHAT? I think. McDonald's? I thought guys like Christian only ate breakfast at 4-Michelin star restaurants like Dunkin Donuts, but McDonald's? He is such an amazing mystery!

"What, did you think I don't enjoy the occasional Egg Mcmuffin? I am American, Ana."

hehehehehehe he can be so funny! That is literally the funniest joke I have ever heard in my entire life! He should go to an open-mic night to tell jokes! How on earth am Ito resist him when he is joking like this? First a carousel ride and now hilarious jokes over Egg McMuffins? When he is like this I am almost able to forget that he is crazy fucked-up and into BDSM sex games and wants to treat me like a glorified doll that he can do what he pleases with. Almost. I sigh into my greasy hash brown and am suddenly not so hungry anymore. Whatever will I do about the enigma seated across from me? _SHUT UP my snarky subconscious warns, just enjoy the moment for once!_ She is right. I do shut up and take a sip from my orange juice (they don't have tea, isn't that ridiculous? Don't they know I was an ENGLISH MAJOR?). My questions about Christian can wait until tomorrow. For now I am going to savor the memory of my wild ride on the carousel and admire Christian's gorgeous mouth as he devours his breakfast.


	3. Part Three

CHAPTER SIX

After wiping the last bit of residual hash brown grease from my fingers, I glance up at Christian to find him already staring at me with a focus I can only describe as "violently horny."

"Anastasia, meet me in the bathroom in exactly 45 seconds."

Christian rose from the table and glided across the McDonald's to the bathroom like the walking sex beast that he is and left me in to sit in shock.

My inner goddess began dry humping my insides like a labrador in heat. I felt a pulsing in my vaginal area that both excited and confused me. Should I see a doctor about this? Maybe I have a yeast infection? Is that how those work? I once read in one of Kate's _Cosmopolitan_ magazines (she reads such filth, unlike me, AN ENGLISH MAJOR) that every woman should take a small mirror and look at her vagina. After I got done puking at the thought of being in touch with my own body, I rejected that thought outright and never did figure out what a yeast infection was, what sexual desire felt like, or even what my own vagina looked like. I assumed it looked like a flower and based on the way Christian inhales deeply every time he goes near my pink folds I will continue to assume that my vagina is akin to a rose in full bloom. Anyway, now I'm a sexual expert, remember? I'll figure out what it means when I get that weird pulsing stomach clench thing later. I'll look it up in a book. I read books. I was an English major. What was I talking about again?

Oh right, ok. Bathroom sex! After 45 seconds of intense pleasure coursing through my gentials, I walked over to the bathroom to join Christian. God I hope no one is noticing this! This is so embarrassing! There are like, 3 people in here and two of them are homeless I think! But what if they catch on to our clandestine meeting in the Mickey D's bathroom? I am now so turned on/horrified at the prospect that I almost walk directly into the trash bins. I'm clumsy!

I open the bathroom door and slide inside as quickly and as stealthily as possible, which is not stealthily at all because, again, I am seriously uncoordinated and would probably qualify to be in the Special Olympics because of my physical ineptitude, but even they would not take me on because despite their handicaps those athletes actually perform at high levels of physical fitness and I just walk pigeon toed into giant trash receptacles in the middle of fast food restaurants. I'm like a drunken toddler teetering on the precipice of a fall every time I stand up.

"You're late." Christian sneers as I close the door. God he looks good. Even hovering near a handicapped toilet and smelling of cheap hand soap mixed with ammonia floor cleaner he is still the most breathtaking human being in the history of human beings. He wastes no time in pulling my body to his and biting, hard, into the sensitive skin below my earlobe. "I think I'll have to punish you for being tardy."

Before I can object, and I want to because I am completely unable to decide if I want to go along with this whole "sex and punishment" business, I feel him turn me around in his arms and press me against the bathroom wall, so that I am in the position one would find themselves in if they were being frisked and under arrest. I wonder if Christian will put me under arrest with his penis. What do I mean by that? I have no idea, but I am so wet at the thought.

Christian is standing behind me, so close I can feel his hot breath on my neck, but not close enough that I can feel his manhood and I am now ready to beg to feel him closer to me. He traces his hands down my torso, continuing his torture, and stops just at my hipbones.

"Sir...please..." I say with actual conviction for the first time ever, but Christian ignores me completely and instead grabs some toilet paper until he has a substantial amount.

"This will make a fine rope"

Rope? From toilet paper? Fuck! I hope it's 2-ply!

Christian's expert fingers fashion the toilet paper into a rope strong enough to hold a ball of lint and not much else, but he seems pleased and I am now panting with anticipation.

I instinctively drop my hands from the wall and put them behind my back, expecting him to use the toilet paper rope to bind my wrists, but instead Christian just laughs.

"Oh innocent Ana...this is not for your wrists."

He continues laughing at my apparent faux-paus and I feel a deep blush creep up my cheeks. Suddenly he grows serious and I feel his erection pressed against my ass. He takes the toilet paper rope and puts it around my neck, working quickly and making a noose.

Flashing across my mind are those red crossing signals near train tracks...the ones warning you to stop because a train is coming and if you keep driving you will get hit. I know I should stop this right now, heed the warning and avoid crashing head first into a speeding train. I know I should...but I cannot bring myself to say anything. I visibly tense up and feel my breath hitch, but I say nothing. My snarky subconscious is judging me harshly and even my inner goddess has sheepishly cowered into a corner, afraid of what sexual freak show is coming up next.

"You trust me, don't you?" Christian whispers into the back of my neck, his hands resting again on my hipbones, his sultry mouth placing light kisses on my skin. I simply nod my head and decide I am going to chance it - I am going to keep driving and see if I can avoid the trainwreck, and just feel the adrenaline rush instead. I tell my subconscious to go fuck herself and I grab my inner goddess from the corner and make her shimmy into some nipple clamps.

Christian slowly unbuttons and unzips my jeans and pulls them down, along with my (or should I say, his) underwear, and he reaches up underneath my shirt to cup my breasts. After a few moments of caressing, I hear him unzip his own pants and then feel him enter me from behind, using his hands to arch my back slightly so I meet his length perfectly.

As he is thrusting in and out of me I am following the rhythm he sets and I close my eyes to hear our breathing synch up in expectant moans of pleasure. I can feel myself coming closer to orgasm and since Christian is like a sexual soothsayer, he whispers, "How about a Happy Meal to help you come?" and suddenly he has removed his cock from inside me and I feel something enter me that feels hard and cold and slightly sharp.

"What...ow..wait, what is this? What is happening?"

"It is this month's Happy Meal toy, Ana. It's a My Little Pony. I have shoved a My Little Pony up inside your sweet, wet, pussy. I want you to neigh for me you little pony. NEIGH LIKE A PONY!"

"NEIGHHHH NEIGHHHH" I huff and puff and even stomp my feet in a horse-like way. Acting like a horse while writhing and feeling the My Little Pony shift and hit my g-spot is the most sensual I have ever felt. I feel Christian tighten the toilet paper noose and yell something about "pulling the reigns on his wild filly" or something similar but I am so caught up in my impending release I can barely focus on anything.

"Oh my god Christian...I am...oh my..." and as I am about to come Christian pulls the toilet paper noose tighter around my neck with enough pressure to make me feel like I was losing the ability to breathe, but instead of feeling pain or fear like I thought I would, all I feel is lightheaded and giddy, and combined with my orgasm I feel like I'm floating on a cloud, outside of my own body and I enter a whole other state of pleasure I never knew could exist.

I'm not even fully aware that Christian has also come on to the bathroom floor and pulled up his pants, and has removed the My Little Pony from me. I am a pile of limbs on the bathroom floor, noose around my neck, pantsless and gasping for air in the most glorious way imaginable. I want to roll around in the discarded pieces of toilet paper and Christian's ejaculate and whatever other disgusting germ-laden debris is on this McDonald's bathroom floor. Wouldn't that be sexy? Wouldn't that reflect how sexy I feel right now? No? It wouldn't? I still know nothing.

"It's called 'hypoxia'" Christian cooly states, searching my eyes with his. I stare at him blankly, even though I was an English major, I have no idea what that word means. "The state you're in right now...that is what it's called. When the brain is deprived of oxygen, coupled with your orgasm, the rush you felt is called hypoxia. It's amazing, isn't it?"

"I...I have never felt anything like it. It felt like that time I took three pixy stix at once, and followed it up with a Mike's Hard Lemonade...it was at the one college party I attended. I really let loose that night and lived it up. I got home after midnight that night!"

Christian smiled at this and held out his hands to help me up.

"You are as idiotic as a amoeba, Ana. It is fascinating."

Our tender moment was interrupted by loud banging on the bathroom door and a voice shouting "Hello? You've been in there forever!"

Stifling our giggles at this HILARIOUS turn of events (I cannot wait to tell Kate about this later - I mean, WE GIGGLED! Christian defines carefree and boyish!) Christian and I lock hands and open the door to see the shocked look on the McDonald's patron's face.

"Pardon us, Ma'am" Christian said as if it was the most common occurrence ever to see two people, obviously post-coiltal, leave a public bathroom together early in the morning.

My inner goddess started giggling too, clutching her stomach and doubling over in laughter. I have never felt happier, and I didn't even care that the toilet paper noose was trailing behind me for all to see. Let them stare! Let them be envious of me and my gorgeous Christian! Let them watch us over their McGriddles! I was having erotic asphyxiation sex with the hottest man on earth, complete with a toy shoved deep inside me, in a probably very unsterile environment, but judgement be damned! No one can make me feel bad about what I have done! Not even Kate, who I will see when I am back in Seattle. Oh no. Kate. She is going to have so many questions about my sexscapade! How will I hold up against her pressing questions? Suddenly the sexual high I felt was wearing off, and I realized I'd have to face reality again soon now that this amazing trip was coming to a close. I will have to continue my search for an internship, withstand Kate's incessant questions, and fully address my feelings for Christian...and give him my final decision on partaking in his Dominant/Submissive sex games. My life is so complicated!


	4. Part Four

_**Just a quick note to thank you all so much for your reviews/follows/favorites. I was trying to respond personally to each review, but much to my surprise, this story has taken off and I can't keep up anymore! So please know I read every review and they never fail to bring a smile to my face. I never thought this story would keep going for this long, but nothing makes me happier than making others laugh, so as long as you're all still laughing at this along with me, I'll keep writing it! My friend also just bought me the second book so I suppose a whole other installment could be in the wings too...but I definitely think I'll need to get very drunk first before I dive into reading part two. I hear it's worse than part one, which...how is that even possible?! Anyway, thank you again so much and I hope you enjoy the latest chapter! xo**_

_**Oh and P.S. - I'm on tumblr if you'd like to follow me there or send me messages: .com is my personal tumblr and .com is the tumblr I made specifically to post this story. I update it the same time I update here, and I prefer the layout here, but if you wanted to see it on tumblr instead there it is. **_

_**P.P.S. - A lovely person made fanart based on the story which can be found here: **_http:/commodore-sparklebutt.tumblr.com/post/28230429989_** and another lovely person did a video of a dramatic reading of chapter one which can be found here: **_http:/www.youtube.com/watch?v=waU9JS98uIk_** I am beyond flattered by both of these! Thanks ladies! **_

CHAPTER SEVEN

I've been back in Seattle now for three days and my mind is still reeling from the adventures I had with Christian while on vacation. I thought that what I needed most was time away from him, but after he stalked me and fucked me at an alarming rate of frequency, I became more confused than ever. I can't decide if I want to be rid of him or if I want to hop aboard the BDSM train and ride that shit all night long.

I continue to ponder the details of my insane life as I make my way to my interview for an internship at a very small publishing house that specializes in books about yarn and cats. My two favorite things! Even though Christian insisted on knowing which publishing house it was, presumably so he could pull some strings to get me in because he is a major power player in the giant cutthroat business world of Seattle, the city that never sleeps. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. Concrete jungle where dreams are made of. And Christian has definitely made it, in case you haven't picked up on how successful, rich, and powerful he is based on my previous descriptions. He is like Donald Trump combined with Richard Branson, with a touch of Bill Gates, combined with any random sex addict you can find on Craigslist. He is amazing. Despite how hard it is to get an unpaid internship at a publishing house that does not have any other intern applicants, I decided to turn down his offer. I must do this very tough thing on my own. I am an independent woman! Throw your hands up at me!

I arrive at my interview 10 minutes early, per Kate's advice, and smooth out the skirt I'm wearing. It's part of the most professional outfit I own - a brown ankle length skirt paired with a plain, white button down blouse, and sensible, yet sexy, shoes - the kind nurses wear, with the padded instep for added comfort. I look like I just stepped off a compound full of polygamists. I'm feeling good! _Oh la la! my inner goddess thinks. If Christian could see you now! Rwoar!_

"Miss Steele? Mr. Jones is ready for you. Please come this way" the receptionist says politely as she leads me to the small and very cluttered office of the publishing house owner.

"Anastasia! Thank you for coming in, please take a seat. So, I have been looking over your resume and I have to say, I am very impressed that you were an English major at school. An internship at a random publishing house is literally the only thing an English degree qualifies you for, so I think you will fit in nicely here. Tell me, how do you feel about cats and yarn?"

After my 20 minute diatribe on how much I love cats and yarn, and in particular, how much I love cats _playing with_ yarn, I knew I impressed Mr. Jones and that the internship was as good as mine.

"Well, as I said, you are very well versed in the world of cats and yarn and cats playing with yarn, so I want to officially welcome you to our team!"

_Yes! My inner goddess is doing a karaoke performance of "Sisters Are Doin' it For Themselves." _Take that Christian! I can get my own unpaid internship! I'm no whore!

As I leave the interview I am so excited I decide to call Jose to tell him the good news. I have been a horrible friend to him lately, what with never returning his calls or emails because of all the sex I'm having with Christian.

"Hello?"

"Jose? Guess what?! I GOT THE INTERNSHIP!"

"Holy guacamole! Dios mio, Ana! I am so proud of you my little enchilada! I can't wait to see you tonight at my photography exhibit so we can celebrate! You're still coming, right?"

Shit. Jose's photography show! I have been so concerned with myself I totally forgot about his big night! I will have to break the news to Christian as to my whereabouts tonight. I don't think he is going to be very happy about it. I bet he will get so angry he'll want to tie me up and fuck me with a giant glass dildo. Oh! Stomach clench alert! I get so turned on at the idea of Christian's pewter eyes flashing with lust as he plunges objects into my pussy that I almost walk directly into traffic. The beeping horns pull me out of my sexual reverie and I remember I am still on the phone with Jose.

"Of course I'll be there, Jose! I'm so proud of you and we both have much to celebrate! See you tonight!"

"Adios!"

Later on when I arrive home I decide to send Christian an email to tell him about Jose's photography show.

Email From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Brief interruption to our sex schedule

Date and Time: May 20, 2012; 6:03 PM

Dear Sir,

I do apologize for the last minute change of plans, but because I have been blinded by your penis I forgot to mention that tonight is my friend Jose's photography show and I absolutely must attend. It means so much to him and I want to be there to support him. I know you are probably full of roid rage right now and possibly throwing precious antiquities against the wall while your "Pure Moods" cd plays in the background, but I assure you, there is nothing between Jose and I. Please understand.

Yours,

Ana

Email From: Christian Grey

Subject: Not ok with this.

Date and Time: May 20, 2012; 6:05 PM

I am not pleased, however I do not wish to tell you what you can and cannot do...OH WAIT, YES I DO. THAT IS IN FACT THE EXACT PURPOSE OF OUR RELATIONSHIP AND PRECISELY WHAT I WANT!

I'm sorry for my outburst. I am just so bewildered by your bodacious bod and sex appeal and lack of intellect and I find myself so drawn to you I keep losing my temper. I apologize. Of course you should attend his show tonight. Enjoy. I will most likely be stalking you anyway, so it's not like I can't find you if I want. Ha. Ha. LOL. That was a joke. Such a funny one, right? I am very humorous.

Missing your pussy,

Christian

Wow. How do I interpret that?! He got mad, then apologized, then made a HILARIOUS joke. Ugh. He is so complicated. He makes my brain hurt like that time I tried a Sudoku puzzle. Even though I minored in math, that puzzle had me completely frazzled. I should just stick to the crossword puzzles from _Highlights_ magazine from now on. Those are more befitting of my English major status.

I only have 15 minutes to get dressed and be out the door for Jose's show, so I don't have time to dwell on Christian and his fucked up ways. I am borrowing a dress from Kate tonight, and I have to say - it's very racy. Do you remember when Bjork wore that swan dress to the Academy Awards? It's that dress, just a cheaper knock-off. I thought it was perfect for a classy, adult, sophisticated event like a recent college grad's amateur photography exhibit. There will probably be so many players from the art scene there, so I want to look as classy as possible.

I throw on the swan dress, throw my hair up into a messy bun, coat my eyelashes in some black stuff that comes from a tube and smear on my go-to glamourous lipstick - strawberry LipSmackers. To complete the look I step into some heels I borrowed from Kate - clear jelly shoes. I look hot, if I do say so myself. Maybe I should sext a pic to Christian? I decide to pose against one of my bedposts, gripping it like it's a stripper pole. I hold out my phone with one arm to get a good angle and pucker my lips seductively as I snap a pic. Christian is going to get so hard when he sees how hot I look tonight!

I walk out into the living room where Kate and Elliot are making out and clear my throat loudly to announce my entrance into the room.

"Whoo hoo!" Elliot whistles as I spin around to give them a good look at my smokin' body and killer outfit. Kate and I laugh and take Elliot's arms to head out into the night.

"Laters baby!" Elliot says to no one in particular because there is no one left in the apartment, but Kate nevertheless falls over laughing and I can tell this is going to be a good night. I can only imagine what fun lies ahead. This night might even rival my McDonald's sexscapade or my three pixy stix evening from college.


End file.
